Yesterday was filled with mixed emotions. It started off with a hectic rush to get to work on time with extreme train delays and power outages. Then there was the 10AM interview – that was intense but I was not nervous and I think I did pretty well. The rest of the day was manageable. Esther and I went to Chase bank to research mutual funds, investment broker was a real jerk, sorry God (I know he's Your creature too, I mean creation!) :( Osato and I finally got to sit down so we could fill each other in on what had become our really busy lives but then we were pleasantly interrupted by David. We all worked to church, I picked up the flyer’s for this Saturdays events and attempted to leave church to head home to Dad.
On my way to the bank, he called and I was very excited not only to talk to him but be transparent about his growth potential. We are really two peas in a pod. Katie called me as I was walking home from the train- I really enjoy talking to her, I think we really understand each other. Then there was the question, am I happy? It never occurred to me that I was or was not. I found myself simply existing in life and watching life pass me by. Something was missing and I realized that even though I had joy and I was extremely content, I was not necessarily “situationally” happy. I didn’t want China to be the bug highlight of my life and things were not looking very exciting at the moment. I realized that I was seeking “things” to try to make me happy as opposed to doing what You advised in Matthew 6:33 ‘Seek first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you” – I was being unfair to my friends and family by expecting them to fill a God-sized void. I had strayed away from You and YOU were/are the only One that could help me.
So after calling Lori-Ann and Daniel to check up on them, discuss my two day plan (didn't get in contact with either of them), I grabbed a note pad and wrote down areas in my life that needed to be worked on.
So this is day one of my two day plan to draw closer to you, “hear” clearly from you and regain what I felt I have lost “purpose”. Purpose does not come from titles, roles or a full agenda; but “the purpose of life is a life of purpose” (Robert Byrne)
So this is my confession:
I am like a tree that is planted by the rivers of water, I produce “fruit” in due season. My “leaves” will not wither and whatever I do will prosper (Psalm 1:3 paraphrased). The grace of God allows even my mistakes to prosper! If I can believe, all things are possible to me (Mark 9:23) and I believe that I have favor with God and men (Proverbs 3:4)
I found what I was looking for – “peace”- for the past few weeks, I experienced bouts of confusion, lack of understanding, disturbed peace, extreme highs and then there was the inevitable crash. Today since my focus was greater, I am able to see the bigger picture and I am at peace. Jeez, if I get that in a few hours from feeding my faith with this new book I am reading “Faith and Confession” by Charles Capps; what would happen if I spent more time in the Word, prayer, praising and thanksgiving? The blessing explosion… It’s the takeover baby!